5 Ways To Help With Too much Empathy

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You’re in a car with someone who is in a bad mood. They’re not saying a word but you feel their misery so strongly that you would love to jump out. You’re watching television and that commercial with all of the scrawny dogs on a cold bare floor grips you as Sarah McLachlan sings “In The Arms of An Angel” for the kill shot. Do you often feel as if you’re going through someone else’s distress as if it were your own? While it is a great ability to feel the joys and sufferings of others, here are my top 5 ways to make your own feelings top priority. (Note, this post is not meant as a substitute for professional guidance. These are only my opinions.)

5) Filter Out Your Toxic Environment

I am sooo relieved that Facebook no longer uses the top right corner for all of the news I never wanted to read. Can you make a deal with a thicker skinned loved one, that if you need to know something important from the news (ie. COVID is unwanted; you need to make a run for it; shutter your windows…), they’ll tell you? I’m a fan of accuweather.com and Minority Mindset, which takes care of my weather and financial updates.

If social media is stressing you out with all of the negative posts and comments, unfollow all of the friends and pages that set you off. Think of them as the loved ones you visit occasionally.

If you can, give the positive people more priority in your life than the ones who constantly overwhelm you with their issues.

4) Give Yourself A Break

Now that you’ve cleaned up your environment, repair with some self care. I don’t find baths relaxing but do what you need to do to feel happy. What makes you feel passionate? When I write or create designs, the hours fly by. Where is your favorite spot outside? Distractions can really change your mood. I’m all for a good book or a hot drink in front of some mindless tv. I just make sure to mute the crazy commercials. I doubt anyone wants to hear, “Side effects include blood clot, stroke and heart attack.”

3) Breathe

Now I’m not going to tell you that deep inhales and exhales will help you if you are really in a moment of discomfort. I just kinda find it gives me something to do. And breathing deeply is much better than shallow breaths if you’re distressed. According to headspace.com, shallow breathing can affect the immune system, turn into panic attacks, and decrease cognitive function.

I also find scanning my body from head to toe lets me see where I may be clenching. I breathe into that area and try to relax it. Are you grinding your teeth or making fists so that your nails dig into your palms? We’re not always conscious of these habits at the time we are doing them.

If you can meditate, then great. It’s probably better if you meditate regularly and before any situation where you feel you may be triggered. It can be hard to let your mind go into a meditative state if you’re wired and edgy, even if that is exactly what you need at the time. I like guided meditations because it can at least put some nice visualizations in my mind. This is my favorite super cozy one from Mary Kate.

2) Take Action

Okay, running is taking action and it’s super great if that’s a grownup option fitting to the situation. If you have a calmer, focused disposition or even if you’re no stranger to conflict, you know that sometimes inaction is the best action. This is especially true if pushing against what’s in front of you will make things worse. Sometimes we need to suck it up and ride it out.

But there is something empowering to being part of the solution. Would you feel as hopeless if you donated to the ASPCA? That cup of coffee price per day to help less fortunate children makes a big difference even in one life. Checking in on an elderly neighbor boosts you more than just feeling bad that they’re isolated.

Taking action also means caring for yourself to mitigate your stress levels when you are completely overwhelmed by who and what’s around you. Investing in your health and getting enough quality sleep can set you up with a better mood and more energy. There are many kinds of counseling and alternative therapies, including websites that help with meditation and holistic treatments. Don’t discount therapy because you think you can’t tell them that you can’t sleep since you sensed your cousin’s husband was cheating by the energy he was giving off. What a therapist can offer are coping skills and the ability to be an objective listener.

1) Empathy May Not Be What We Think

If you’re scrolling down, then let this quote from Byron Katie (A Mind At Home With Itself, p. 33) be the one thing you take the time to read.

“Some people think that empathy means feeling another person’s pain. But it’s not possible to feel another person’s pain. What happens is that people project what someone’s pain must feel like and then react to their own projection.”

Often, we think we know what someone else must be feeling and thinking by the way it affects us. But the conclusions we come to are often tainted by our own senses and experiences. Perhaps someone feels relieved that they didn’t end up having to get married and were only going to go through with it because of outside pressure. A person may be in tattered clothing but have more peace and happiness than someone with all of their basic needs taken care of. Animals can often be more resilient than we realize.

Don’t stop caring. Be grateful for your gift. Just do what you need to do to feel balanced. You’ll do more good if you don’t go down with the ship.