Do You Believe In Soulmates?
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I do, but……..I wouldn’t put much time into getting caught up in that thought. It leads to a long road of questions. Can we have more than one soulmate? Does finding one’s soulmate mean you’ll get together? Should we cross moral boundaries to be with each other because we’re “meant to be”? Does being with a soulmate equate to living out the rest of your lives together? If someone is your soulmate, should you sacrifice more to be with them? Is their happiness more of a priority than a partner who isn’t your soulmate? Think about all of the other more productive things you could be doing than thinking about this topic. Like appreciating the person in front of you. Even if it’s your own reflection. You could have been watching tv. Way funner to be watching tv.
But it’s Valentine’s Day and true love is in the air. I have to say, lots of people seriously resemble their partners. When someone announces their new coupledom, I often want to shout, “Congratulations! You look like siblings!” I even asked brain doc Dr. Daniel Amen if he believed this was a theory (since he and his wife Tana have really similar features). No answer. It’s a long standing motivation to want to crack the code to finding the right person. Lots of ideas. Countless books. Daytime television shows dedicated to the topic. Women’s magazines are redolent with articles on how women don’t need Mr. Right but “Here’s How to Find Him Even If You’re a Ladyboss.” Love is one of those nouns that has become a verb, much the same way we now “pill” a cat or “Swiffer” the apartment. But who is this mystery person and what does being together mean?
Who Am I?
How many times have you heard the advice to be the kind of person you want to attract? There’s something to it. I don’t think this adage means that all partners should look and act the same way. I believe soulmate means finding someone who is on your level. People find each other. Think about what that means. Picture couples you know. Normal doesn’t want crazy. They may get together but it rarely lasts. Partners tend to match each others’ station in life. Sometimes they complement each other with their differences but the energy is balanced. One person is seriously career driven, while the other excels at running the home. One wants to lead, the other wants to be led. One partner is very wealthy, while the other has a lot to offer in terms of looks. It doesn’t come from a place of negative judgement and you can feel it out when your instincts tell you that two people would be good together. When there is an imbalance in energies, there can be a push/pull for one of the partners to change their behavior or appearance so they can mesh together better. This may not be healthy or good for the long term but it is very real.
Years ago, I was a watching a reality show with a singles mixer. This one young woman was walking around telling guys that her mom had just died and she was recovering from an eating disorder. She told the owner that she was looking for her Prince Charming. The guys were put off by her behavior and she was called out a couple of times for saying those things to them. Not one of them wanted to kiss her wounds and rescue her. I felt that she really could have used someone for support at this point in her life but she wasn’t in a place to start a new relationship that would be healthy for both people. I doubt she would have attracted someone who is in her best interest at that point in her life.
So now, the question to ask is, “Where am I in life and what kind of person am I?” Because that will help narrow down the kind of person who will gravitate towards you. Needy is never attractive…unless you’re someone who has a need to be savior. I never said soulmates couldn’t be dysfunctional. I’m sure there are couples who have found a healthy way out of living this kind of dynamic. But if you have serious issues, I believe there is a likelihood in finding someone who also has a big sack of them. Yes you can change and no, there’s no guarantee that someone isn’t as emotionally well as they initially present themselves. Which is where your station in life comes in.
Where Are You Now?
How are you doing spiritually, emotionally and physically? It’s not a trick question. Would you want to date you right now? If you were to describe yourself, what kind of person would gravitate towards you? Now, some things about your state may be temporary. Think about the kind of person you date while on the rebound just so you don’t have to be alone. Not usually the first draft pick. Yes, you know someone who married their rebound and they’re very happy but we usually don’t make great choices when we’re desperate. Did you ever introduce your new love to your friends and later find out they didn’t have any idea what you saw in that person? What kind of state were you in when you met them?
Though we go through ups and downs, you’re still you. That’s fine. We grow, change, figure out what we want and what we don’t want. Blaming the wrong matches we went out with is fun, especially if they were particularly annoying but remember that you were the common thread through all of them. Look for the commonalities in them to see the kind of person you were. Without you allowing them in, they didn’t have much power to get to you.
We’re So Connected!
We love the same things. The same rare dog breed is our mutual favorite, we stalk bands no one has heard of and have had the same unusual upbringing. We really get each other. We must be soulmates. Could be. Could I ask you a stupid question? Did you have any physical contact with each other? Crap. You’re a goner. Let’s finish this conversation when you’re no longer drunkedy drunk on hormones. We’re going to connect with a lot of people in our lives. Sometimes touching someone cements us to the wrong person. You are stuck together until you’ve had enough, at which point, if you’re philosophical, it will be described as a learning experience, rather than wasting your time. If you’ve only met online, then you’ve spun quite the story of someone you’ve never seen pick up the tab at a restaurant. Everything is a sign; it depends how we read it. Connection does not mean meant to be.
Happily Ever After?
It’s a common belief that finding ones soulmate translates to living happily ever after. All of the time. Doubtful. Although I’m good at it, I’m not trying to sound like a jerk. The idea of finding one’s queen or king sounds great and you can truly be happy with them on the whole but it also doesn’t mean that every moment you’ll get along or feel passionate about them. This is a positive thing. You can act out here and there and it usually doesn’t mean it’s over. You can exhale and not run on adrenaline all of the time. That said, throw out your sweatpants.
Does ending up divorced or broken up mean that the person wasn’t your soulmate? How should I know? I can only guess and that’s where my reasoning at the top of this post comes in about not thinking about the concept of soulmates in excess. It’s okay to want a partner. It’s okay to look for what you need at the time and then grow and change. You can find another nice person that you’re happy with. You two will be a whole lot happier if you don’t look backwards too much and start quantifying who was your true match. If we’ve learned nothing else from Friends, once upon a time Janice told a lovesick Chandler that he was her soulmate.
